Joke thread

theghost420

Member
St Patricks Day joke

haha, the pictures made me laugh al capone.

Heres an irish joke, saying its St Patricks Day...

Paddy Irish man, English man and Scotsman were travelling in the Australian outback when their campervan broke down. They had to leave the van to go look for help.

They were only able to take one thing from the van each, so the Englishman took water to keep him hydrated. The Scotsman took food to give him engery and Paddy Irishman takes the door.

The English man asks Paddy, "Why did you take the door?"

Paddy Irishman replys, "Cause if I get too hot, I can roll down the window."
 

Betterhaff

New member
Keeping with the Irish Spirit

A Texan paid a visit to Galway, Ireland. He enters a pub and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy.

The Texan answers, "Yes", and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh..... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
 

GR867

New member
Several days ago as I left the sale barn in Navasota to walk out to my pickup and was reaching into my jeans pocket from my truck keys.....got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down - other jeans pockets, shirt pocket - not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into the sale barn. I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting - nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys - nope. Then it hit me - I must have left them in the truck. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside the sale barn..

My wife, Verna Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the pickup will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of the sale barn and out into the parking lot,, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty - no pickup.

I immediately call the highway patrol. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the truck, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the truck, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Verna Faye's voice.

"Cooter," she barked, "I dropped you off at the sale barn on my way to the grocery store!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

Verna Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these damn highway patrolmen I have not stolen your FKing truck!"
 

GR867

New member
The difference between a stoner and a drunk:

A drunk will run a stop sign not even seeing it.

A stoner will stop and sit there till it turns green!

:~}
 

peizhi59fli

New member
What To Br

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We've had bananas, palm trees and pineapples (the latter of which has not lost its punch just yet), and now the fashion world is into cacti. It began with Kenzo, who gave them an abstract twist. Then came Markus Lupfer's take - cartoonish, bold prints that decorated cami tops, A-line skirts and jumpers. Dolce & Gabbana's recent menswear show was Western-themed, so naturally suits and zip-up jackets featured cacti motifs.
So why are cacti so popular now? Visually, they're impactful - bold,michael kors handbags outlet, bright and instantly recognisable. They conjure up images of Western films, as well as iconic cartoons such as Speedy Gonzales and Looney Tunes. They're also weirdly phallic, but maybe I'm reading too much into it.
The motif translates well on the high street - Topshop's cacti print shirt will look great with high-waisted shorts or jeans, while Mango's cactus straw bag is a strong addition to any holiday wardrobe.
When I decided to give up my cozy Brooklyn apartment, quit my job at a fashion magazine, and join my husband on a year-long national tour of a Broadway show, we put everything we owned in storage except for the two bags we?d each take with us. I knew that figuring out what to pack would be hard, but I assumed that it wouldn?t be impossible.
Deciding what to bring and what to leave behind, however, proved to be an ordeal. Eliminating more items when I actually packed my bag was even tougher. And, you guessed it, doing one last cull when I tried to zip it was the toughest yet. In the end, I?m proud to say I pulled together an incredibly edited list of essentials, making every item count.
Here?s the biggest personal fashion rule that I had to learn how to break: dressing for the occasion. For me, a sun-soaked L.A. wardrobe required an entirely different look than a Hamptons getaway (despite similar climates). And what about when I?m crossing through California in November and Salt Lake City in December? Attending after-parties but also hitting the hiking trails? Whatever high-maintenance habits I?d been holding onto would have to be left behind.
Ultimately, after what felt like years of packing and purging, I realized the secret to life on the road lies in balancing the practical with the purposeful, statement styles with everyday essentials. And only the strong survive. I had three criteria: Is it versatile enough to mix and match with many outfits? Will it hold up in a variety of cities, climates, and landscapes? And do I love it? Because when you?re pressed for space, there?s no room for the so-so stuff.
I?ll have one opportunity (one!) in January to turn over my fall go-tos for a few winter essentials, but this first round has to go the distance. Literally. Not including a toothbrush, undies, and other less-exciting necessities, these are the 17 style essentials that made the cut.
 

mogie

New member
What do you call a black man on the moon?






An astronaut you fucking racist.





So much for me being lady like. :eek:
 

mogie

New member
Spring-fresh bags to have and tote all season. Make a grab for a cool clutch, luxe tote or street-savvy satchel for your day-to-night needs. A smart shoulder bag or classic hobo will set you up for the long haul.
Collecting handbags, when done well, can arguably be considered an art form. In homage to that, here are the 10 bags every woman should have in her closet? get your check list started.
We've been dreaming of Michael Kors bags, Mulberry satchels, Topshop totes and gorgeous Christian Louboutin bags. Drool over our dreamy top 50 shopping list... Make a fashion wish, quick!
It's hard to describe the look: it's sporty, polished, modern, but always laid-back. Diane von Furstenberg's khaki suits with their 70's working girl sway; Calvin Klein's fluid ease, and, of course, Michael Kors who's sunny Park Avenue polish looked more alluring than ever.
Accessorise in style with Cosmo's pick of the hottest high street arm candy. From totes to clutches and satchels to shoulder bags we've got a super-stylish handbag for you!
Sexy stylish bags aren't just for our days off, you know! Whether it's a flash of colour or a bitta bling, these work totes have all got something a little different about them. Add some fashion to your 9-to-5, stat!
We've had bananas, palm trees and pineapples (the latter of which has not lost its punch just yet), and now the fashion world is into cacti. It began with Kenzo, who gave them an abstract twist. Then came Markus Lupfer's take - cartoonish, bold prints that decorated cami tops, A-line skirts and jumpers. Dolce & Gabbana's recent menswear show was Western-themed, so naturally suits and zip-up jackets featured cacti motifs.
So why are cacti so popular now? Visually, they're impactful - bold,michael kors handbags outlet, bright and instantly recognisable. They conjure up images of Western films, as well as iconic cartoons such as Speedy Gonzales and Looney Tunes. They're also weirdly phallic, but maybe I'm reading too much into it.
The motif translates well on the high street - Topshop's cacti print shirt will look great with high-waisted shorts or jeans, while Mango's cactus straw bag is a strong addition to any holiday wardrobe.
When I decided to give up my cozy Brooklyn apartment, quit my job at a fashion magazine, and join my husband on a year-long national tour of a Broadway show, we put everything we owned in storage except for the two bags we?d each take with us. I knew that figuring out what to pack would be hard, but I assumed that it wouldn?t be impossible.
Deciding what to bring and what to leave behind, however, proved to be an ordeal. Eliminating more items when I actually packed my bag was even tougher. And, you guessed it, doing one last cull when I tried to zip it was the toughest yet. In the end, I?m proud to say I pulled together an incredibly edited list of essentials, making every item count.
Here?s the biggest personal fashion rule that I had to learn how to break: dressing for the occasion. For me, a sun-soaked L.A. wardrobe required an entirely different look than a Hamptons getaway (despite similar climates). And what about when I?m crossing through California in November and Salt Lake City in December? Attending after-parties but also hitting the hiking trails? Whatever high-maintenance habits I?d been holding onto would have to be left behind.
Ultimately, after what felt like years of packing and purging, I realized the secret to life on the road lies in balancing the practical with the purposeful, statement styles with everyday essentials. And only the strong survive. I had three criteria: Is it versatile enough to mix and match with many outfits? Will it hold up in a variety of cities, climates, and landscapes? And do I love it? Because when you?re pressed for space, there?s no room for the so-so stuff.
I?ll have one opportunity (one!) in January to turn over my fall go-tos for a few winter essentials, but this first round has to go the distance. Literally. Not including a toothbrush, undies, and other less-exciting necessities, these are the 17 style essentials that made the cut.
Sounds like spam not a joke.
 

mogie

New member
LOL

I thought it was just some crazy rambling by a spammer. I don't understand what the message is supposed to be. :(
 

mogie

New member
How do they know that each Tickle Me Elmo doll is male?







They all get two test tickles before leaving the factory.
 

bluntmassa

Well-known member
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Worst joke in the entire thread. :D
 

bluntmassa

Well-known member
Do you know why a hillbilly fucks a sheep facing down a cliff?

Because she just keeps pushing back. :)

Sorry I live in the mountains where the men are men and the sheep are scared. :)

You know why hillbillies wear them tall boots? So you can stick the sheep's hind legs in your boots. Lol

I know I had more sheep fucking jokes. I thought we were the only ones I found an Australian one. Lol

what ya call an Australian with 50 sheep?
PIMP

Where does virgin wool come from?

Fast sheep.
 
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