Joke thread

oldschoolhaze

New member
that or dying Benplantin? what would you choose?
i'd do it as long as i could have a whole good day of brushing my teeth after :')
don't think the woman would kiss me for a while :p
 

Sharky

New member
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,

I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.

Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!

Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written).

Made has not the sound of bade,
Say said, pay-paid, laid, but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,

But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,

Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,

Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
Exiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
Thames, examining, combining

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far.

From "desire": desirable--admirable from "admire."
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.

Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,

One, anemone. Balmoral.
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,

Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
Scene, Melpomene, mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, reading, heathen, heather.

This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;

Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rime with "darky."

Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's O.K.,
When you say correctly: croquet.

Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive, and live,

Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,

We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover,

Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police, and lice.

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,

Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.

Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."

But it is not hard to tell,
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,

Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
And enamour rime with hammer.

Pussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, but dessert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.

River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.

Stranger does not rime with anger.
Neither does devour with clangour.

Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
And then: singer, ginger, linger,

Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.

Query does not rime with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.

Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual.

Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
Put, nut; granite, and unite.

Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.

Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.

Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific,

Tour, but our and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria,

Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion.

Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.

Say aver, but ever, fever.
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.

Never guess--it is not safe:
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.

Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice and device, and eyrie,

Face but preface, but efface,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,

Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Do not rime with here, but ere.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation--think of psyche--!
Is a paling, stout and spikey,

Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,

Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict, and indict!

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?

Finally: which rimes with "enough"
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?

Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
My advice is--give it up!
 

Old Grower

New member
> Who is Jack Schitt?
>
> For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
>
>
> We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know
> Jack Schitt!'
>
>
> Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
> intellectual way.
>
>
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
>
>
> Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate,
> and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
>
>
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
> couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
> FullaSchitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip
> Schitt.
>
>
> Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
> Schitt, a high school dropout.
>
>
> After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
> Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
> living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
> then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
>
>
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
> son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named
> Chicken Schitt.
>
>
> Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
> were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married
> the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
>
>
> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
> Schitt-Happens nuptials.
>
>
> The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
>
>
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
>
>
> He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
> Pisa Schitt.
>
>
> Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
> correct them.
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> Crock O. Schitt
>
>
> NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
>
>
> REMEMBER: IF YOU DON'T THEN YOU MIGHT POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO
> FULLA SCHITT or HUW GIZZA SCHITT
 
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