Do I need her?

We've been attached at the hip for decades since I was in high school. In college we became inseparable. Since then we've traveled through life together at every function and occasion and I can't help but sit here in this moment and ask myself if it's all been a ruse to numb myself out and just glide through life without really feeling.

Cannabis, weed, herb, you know what I'm talking about. That fuego that always seems to make the day go by chill, no big thing it's all good you feel me. Well, recently life hasn't felt all good and I'm confronted with the fact that I find myself smoking more to ease the pain instead of lean into it and truly have some self discovery.

Does anyone else ever feel like cannabis is both a blessing and a curse?

It helps me be chill and not let little things bug me or upset me, it helps me get through days that might otherwise be difficult or tough, but the more I'm sitting here thinking about it the more I realize that it's become a knee jerk reaction for me to grab the bubbler or roll a spliff whenever something is making me feel a certain type of way instead of processing those emotions in a healthy way.

I never felt like this before but can't stop thinking about how much smoking weed runs my life. It's not a slight on cannabis, I'm fully aware of it's utility but I'm also unable to deny the ways I find myself abusing it to keep myself from sharing my feelings or emotions.

Does anyone else struggle with these types of thoughts?

For the most part, I'm happy with my personality and the way I treat others. When I'm blazed up I'm kind, considerate, forgiving, and all the sort of things you would typically associate with a chill "stoner". Part of me is worried that if I stop smoking I'll turn into a total asshole or turn into someone I don't enjoy being around and that's not an easy thing to admit.

I've never known myself as an adult without being under the influence of cannabis or without cannabis being in my system. I'm afraid I don't even know myself and I never have.

Admittedly, I'm in the midst of some personal and relationship problems. Working on ways to find happieness and truthfully I'm kind of worried I won't be able to find it without cannabis. On the flip side of the coin, I'm worried that I will find a happiness and won't feel like I need the friend that I've known for all these years anymore.

If anyone has gone through something similar or has words of advise or encouragement they're greatly appreciated.

Cannabis has been a significant part of my life for the entirety of my adult life and it's fucking terrifying to think I should seek out experiences that aren't attached at the hip with one of my favorite plants.

Feeling alone and scared, super emotional. The fuck is up with 2020 this year has been a trip so far.
 

musashi

Site Moderator
Staff member
Hey brah! You ever get things sorted out? Getting real and honest about your addiction is a good thing. There's nothing wrong with drying out from time to time. I just came off of an 80 day abstinence. Yeah, I got irritable for a while. I had to refocus on using the extra time. Turned off the TV, started playing guitar again and exercising. It wasn't easy. As a result I got a good paying part time job and even lost some weight. Moderation? I don't know what that is lol. It didn't keep me from growing :D which is my real passion. But I know my time off from the smoke was beneficial. I even attended a few NA meetings, made some new friends and learned some stuff about myself. What's the risk of finding out who you are? If it means taking a break to accomplish that, well than step through the fear braddah!

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” -Bob Marley
"What you are is what you have been. What you'll be is what you do now" -Buddha



🤙
Mu
 

BuzzardsBay

Active member
It’s probably not the cannabis. In my experience I have found people use cannabis as medicine because something else is bugging them and they enjoy the tranquility of cannabis.
No doubt it can be addicting. And if it is a problem you should try to stop and get some help.
It could be that other things in your life like 2020 could be bothering you and the cannabis helps.
I have been smoking a half joint a day for 50 years. Not sure how good that is for the lungs, but cannabis is not the biggest problem in my life that’s for sure.
i wouldn’t mind taking a break like Mushashi but it is harvest season and I am starting to harvest and trim.
 
Hey brah! You ever get things sorted out? Getting real and honest about your addiction is a good thing. There's nothing wrong with drying out from time to time. I just came off of an 80 day abstinence. Yeah, I got irritable for a while. I had to refocus on using the extra time. Turned off the TV, started playing guitar again and exercising. It wasn't easy. As a result I got a good paying part time job and even lost some weight. Moderation? I don't know what that is lol. It didn't keep me from growing :D which is my real passion. But I know my time off from the smoke was beneficial. I even attended a few NA meetings, made some new friends and learned some stuff about myself. What's the risk of finding out who you are? If it means taking a break to accomplish that, well than step through the fear braddah!

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds.” -Bob Marley
"What you are is what you have been. What you'll be is what you do now" -Buddha



🤙
Mu
Yo whattup musashi. I'm getting things sorted out, thanks for reaching out and asking. It means a lot. I posted the same thread over at icmag and was fortunate to have some replies chock full of encouraging words like yours. Empathy and compassion, that's whatsup! Appreciate you man. At first I was feeling, fuck I'm gonna get ridiculed for posting about how weed is an obstacle in my life at this point in time but most everyone at ic was kind and helpful. It's endearing to hear of others with similar struggles and to read about their stories along with their unique paths. 80 days! Way to be man, that's some strength!

I ended up going 6 day,s and to be honest, it was much easier than I thought it would be coming from pretty much a lifelong mega toker. I woke up one day feeling in a good space (I cried and it let something out, a burder that I had been holding on to) and toked a little, and the days since I've toked a little. Nothing like the copius amounts, bordering obscene amounts, that I would normally ingest. It's enlightening to feel the strength that comes with feeling in control of my destiny. Even though I smoked yesterday, I woke up today and I didn't instinctively reach to pack a bowl. I ran some errands and hit the grocery store, when I returned home I didn't run to chief up and get blazed. I just finished eating and I'm not jonesing for a "fix." I really really really enjoyed getting to know myself in new ways on the break, and I'm looking forward to taking break long enough to get my dreams back. I used to dream vividly as a kid to the point where I could wake up from a dream and fall back asleep entering the same dream right where it left off, and since smoking and having so much cannabis in my system as an adult I rarely (remember my) dream. Deep down in my spirit I know that I'm avoiding dealing with personal issues and growing as a human being. It's a long time coming, at at times I still feel like an emotionally stunted adolescent. It's not easy to admit that to myself. So I'm not gonna call it a tolerence break, I'm gonna call it a "dream break."

I don't think I've been happy in a long time and the individual I saw during the break wants to be happy. I owe it to myself, and for the moment blazing cannabis day in and day out isn't a part of that. Oh and the timing, lifes a trip for real! Recent restocking on seed has me thinking, bro what the fuck you taking a break for now. I'm more flush in gear than I had been in a loooooooong time, and I could very easily had never sourced another seed and still been flush with variety for the rest of my life. It's funny how these things go. I'm sure it's easier to take a break when flush in abundance than when things are looking bleak though. Sometimes I think I need the access and possibility more than the actual bud. The whole, I'd rather not need it and have it than need it and not have it type of thing.

I feel you on the real passion, and it's not smoking. It's loving, tending, and caring. Not just for plants, but for others (plants included). Cultivating connections in life that are healthy and bring us into wholehearted living. It's neat that you mention hitting up some NA meetings, I almost went to a few myself but felt kinda embarassed. Have you seen the movie Half Baked? I don't want to be all, yeah I'm here for smoking weed when people are battling hardcore drug addictions. I've seen those firsthand in both friends and family. I thought I could maybe just kinda slip in and hang in the back and reading your story has me feeling like it's something I shouldn't judge myself about. I always say that as humans we're most fearful of the unknown and you're right, I gotta just step through the fear. It's been quite beneficial for me as well.


The coolest part is that I didn't notice a change in my persoality, I didn't feel "less" high or "less" anything. I felt more of almost everything! And when I did toke again, and since then, I'm actually getting high. Like when I first found appreciation in the effects. I had been smoking for years, enough to get an elephant ripped and I hadn't been "lifted" in quite some time. The last time I remember feeling high while in the midst of smoking so much was a cut of Nevilles Haze that I was running about 5 years ago. That shit cut through the bullshit and kept it real. Too much of it though and life started spinning. Strong stuff. I didn't realize how much of my time revolved around getting high and staying totally numbed out. 24 hours in the day used to fly by and now I'm finding myself enjoying slowing those hours down as much as possible to extract every ounce of possibility within each passing minute and second. I've never felt so creative and motivated at the same time, it's usually one or the other. Usually the former most.

Much love and thanks again for checking in and reaching out. Miyamoto Musashi is one of my "if you could invite 3 people dead or alive not related to you to dinner who would you pick and why."

"There is nothing outside of yourself that can ever enable you to get better, stronger, richer, quicker, or smarter. Everything is within. Everything exists. Seek nothing outside of yourself."

"Do nothing which is of no use."

These quotes have been in the forefront of my mind lately.
 
It’s probably not the cannabis. In my experience I have found people use cannabis as medicine because something else is bugging them and they enjoy the tranquility of cannabis.
No doubt it can be addicting. And if it is a problem you should try to stop and get some help.
It could be that other things in your life like 2020 could be bothering you and the cannabis helps.
I have been smoking a half joint a day for 50 years. Not sure how good that is for the lungs, but cannabis is not the biggest problem in my life that’s for sure.
i wouldn’t mind taking a break like Mushashi but it is harvest season and I am starting to harvest and trim.

You're absolutely right. It's definetly not cannabis. There are some interpersonal things I need to work on as a human being and finding who I am. Cannabis was making it challenging for me to face the fact that I am not happy and haven't been happy in a long time. On the surface everything seems fine but I really need to deal with issues of self growth that I've neglected most of my life. LIke I mentioned above, there are aspects of my emotions that I'd left stunted in adolescence. There are childhood traumas that I need to, rather I get to, deal with and work on. Navigate through and traverse so that I can live a life filled with gratitude and joy. Thanks for reaching out and commenting, it's helpful to feel heard and like I'm not going at this thing called life all alone. Much love.
 
Also, for what it's worth, I've been finding myself interested in some 1:1 varieties and some of the CBD work Shanti and the crew has been working on. Looking to scoop some mango haze cbd, skunk haze cbd, z7, and a few others to see how they impact my day to day compared to only finding use in high thc varieties. Thought I'd be able to scoop some from the auctions until I noticed the bids going just about or higher than buy it now packs go for.

Coming back to smoking the past few days I realize that even more than the effect, I like the taste and the feeling of my lungs expanding when taking a hit. I like the ritual and peaceful vibe from taking time out of the day to sit down and twist one up. Noticing that I hadn't really even been getting high, more just going around numb, I wasn't smoking to find a specific space. I was more of less just running in place, rinse and repeat because that was the routine. I'll shut up but yeah, feeling good for the most part and my appetite is back. I was in rough shape for a little while there. Feeling better now.
 
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