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  #381  
Old 01-07-2012, 01:42 AM
Hemphrey Bogart's Avatar
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A man owned a small farm in Ireland. The Irish Government Wage & Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.
I pay him 200 Euros a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 Euros per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 Euros per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
__________________________________________________ __________________________

Not good enough? Ok, try this one on then:

A husband and his wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock-it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi-Ya." Slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."

He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened if he told us to get lost?"

So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
A voice answers, "Yes please."

"Where are you?" calls the man.

The stranger replies, "I'm over here on your swing set."


HB.

Last edited by Hemphrey Bogart; 01-07-2012 at 01:46 AM.
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  #382  
Old 01-07-2012, 01:42 AM
southern sun
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Default texas hold'em

giorgio armani, freddie mercury and the queen's mum get to heaven's gate, where st peter is waiting:
"it's a bit full in here today, so we can only let in one of you in, to make it fair, i will give each of you a chance to explain why you should be the one to enter heaven today."
giorgio speaks first: "in my time on earth, i designed beautiful dresses for all the women of earth, and when the women would wear them they would feel beautiful and they had a lot sex with their husbands, and made lots of children, and this surely would please god."
st peter nods in improvement, and tells freddie to speak next.
"well, in my time on earth, i wrote some really amazing rock songs, and when the people of earth heard these songs, they made beautiful love, and produced many children for god, and surely this must please him."
now it was the queen's mum's turn. she pulls st peter aside to a group of clouds, just away from the others' view, lifts her skirt and drops her undies and just urinates all over the cloud below.
st peter takes the queen mum to the gates, opens them and let's her walk in.
the other two are stunned. they ask st peter why she was let in and not either of them? st peter replies:
" sorry boys, but a royal flush beats two queens any day!"




everyone knows what a 69r is right? what'a 68r?
-that's when you go down on your wife, and she owes you one





there's a little brothel on top of the hill, and there's a lot of activity in and around it. one guy is running really fast to the front door, another guy is casually walking out the back door, one man is going hell bent for leather in one of the rooms, and there's a helicopter hovering above the roof.
can you guess the nationality of each of these men?

-the man running is russian, the walker is finnish, the guy in the room? himalayin. and the guy in the helicopter is irish. he's waiting for the light to change to green.




oh yeah....


peace
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  #383  
Old 01-07-2012, 01:56 AM
Hemphrey Bogart's Avatar
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I have a confession to make...

I got really drunk on New Year's Eve this year. I didn't want to drive my car, so I took the bus. It was a nice ride and I made it home okay which is great because I'd never driven a bus before.

HB.
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  #384  
Old 01-07-2012, 02:17 AM
Kangalunacy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hemphrey Bogart View Post
I have a confession to make...

I got really drunk on New Year's Eve this year. I didn't want to drive my car, so I took the bus. It was a nice ride and I made it home okay which is great because I'd never driven a bus before.

HB.
Hey HB was that the special peoples bus?
If it was please bring it back.We,re all standing here waiting just kickin the dirt
"an the driver would say" thats where lunatics stay"
wonder if he,s talkin bout us?" Alice C
KL
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  #385  
Old 01-07-2012, 11:09 AM
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Default winemedineme69me

A man has a trial separation from his wife after years of fighting,
After 2 weeks he's missing his lady's company in the bedroom,and his right arms getting overly muscular,
After emptying his savings jar,he go's out to find the love of a lady of the night,
He approaches a rough looking woman in a short skirt,and explains his situation,
and how this is his first time having never visited a working girl,
She asks how much money he has and he replies"six pounds"
After a bit of chat the woman decides to do the fellow a favour,as she can see how desperate he is by his walk,
A while later at the lady's apartment,she tell,s the man "i,ll do you a 69er for your six pounds",
being a bit naieve the man agrees but doesn't really know what a 69er is,
He lies down on the bed,and the lady climbs on top and lifts her leg over his head,
unfortunately letting loose a tremendously large and odourous Fart in the mans face,
Instantly the man jumps up and begins to put his clothes back on,
the lady gets up and asks what the problem is,
The man replies"i,m desperate love,but i couldn't stand another 68 of those"
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I saw a magpie with a club foot big beautiful bird that was all petrol and silk.
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  #386  
Old 01-30-2012, 10:28 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 35
Default Billīs stroll

One Sunday Bill went for a walk. He came upon
a strange town. On the streets were many people, all
dressed in their best clothes and all walking the same
way. He decided to follow them. They strolled thru the
streets and came to a halt outside of a church. Bill
followed them in full of curiosity. In the pulpit was an
angry man dressed in black. He was shouting at the
people. This is what he said;
' Repent! Do not follow the devil's road to hell!
The path of vices! Repent! It starts with one
Glass of whisky, the devil's own liquor!
One glass, then it's a bottle, and then a cigarette!
Just one cigarette! one cigarette is all it takes!
And then it's a packet, and the a carton!
Before you know it, you're smoking, cigars, pipes,
Reefers, Marijuana, Hashish! The devil's weed! ! !
(Bill's ears pricked up!)
And then it's a woman, just one woman! !
And then before you know it, it be a brothel! ! ! '
Bill spoke and asked aloud,
' Excuse me! . . . Father! . . . . Where can I
buy this glass of whisky ? '
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  #387  
Old 03-18-2012, 11:30 AM
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Location: East Yorkshire
Posts: 17
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Question: Which Animal has a C*^T in the middle of its back?
Answer: A police horse
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  #388  
Old 03-19-2012, 10:38 PM
Trichomes's Avatar
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Lets play a little game, repeat the following to yourself out loud.

1, say "Eye"
2, spell the word "Map"
3, say "Ness"


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  #389  
Old 03-20-2012, 05:59 AM
southern sun
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Default arise chicken arise

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trichomes View Post
Lets play a little game, repeat the following to yourself out loud.

1, say "Eye"
2, spell the word "Map"
3, say "Ness"




Arise Chicken - YouTube


first 30 seconds

sunny
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  #390  
Old 03-20-2012, 06:07 AM
PatrickStar's Avatar
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What word starts with F and ends in UCK?

FIRETRUCK!!
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