Joke thread


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Did you see in the news a guy was actually swallowed by a whale?

He lived. Said he ran like heck the other way until he got pooped out.


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For my braddahs down under. Hear the man in Victoria has been quite vicious these days. Prayers up for you all!

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Do you come from a land down under?
Where women glow and men plunder?
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover...


Vlad the Inhaler

Active member
There was this guy jogging naked down the road.
He saw three old dears drinking tea on their front porch.
So he decides to jog up onto the porch and start running on the spot
First old lady is really shocked and has a stroke
Second old lady shreaks out and has a stroke too.
Third old lady wouldn't touch the dirty bugger

Vlad the Inhaler

Active member
Dr Doolittle turns up on a farm and tells the farmer that he can talk to the animals
Farmer tells him he's full of shit
So Dr Doolittle goes over to the horse.
They have a bit of a chat and then he goes back to the farmer.
"He reckons your daughter isn't riding him enough, and he's bored"
The farmer wasn't totally convinced.
So Dr Doolittle goes over to the farmer's dog
Comes back and tells the farmer that the dog was cold last night, because the farmer's wife had washed out his blanket and hadn't put it back.
The doctor goes over to talk to the sheep, but the farmer called him back.
"Don't listen to those sheep" he said" they tell lies"

Vlad the Inhaler

Active member
These two Irish brothers want to move to Australia, so the go down to the consulate to try for a couple of work visas.
First one is only in the interview about 2 minutes and comes out really happy and says to his brother it's a piece of piss, he'll get a visa in no time
When the second brother goes in and they ask him what he does for a job, he says he's a bog cutter.
The consulate officer apologises and says he can't have a visa.
When he asks why, they tell him that we don't cut bog in Australia.
So the second brother asks why they gave his brother a working visa then.
"He said he was a pilot," they replied.
"Yeah, but if I don't cut it, he can't pile it."
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What do waiters and (ritual) circumcisers have in common?
Their pay is s*** but they're happy they can keep the tips.


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1000 ants dressed up as rice, robbed a Chinese store.i don’t think they did it though. I know a few of them, they wouldn’t do that..
Steven Wright


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Old salt walks into a bar, sits down placing his pet octopus on the stool beside him. Explains to the barkeep that he’s on shore leave, has yet to get paid, could use a drink and offers that his pet will entertain playing the instrument of his choice. Bar tender points to the piano while pouring him a drink. The old salt sits the octopus down on the piano bench, it stretches out its arm and starts playin’ Rachmaninoff’s Concerto #2. When he finishes, the sailor is ready for another, makes the same offer. The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out a ukulele, pouring another drink for the crusty gentleman. Octopus picks up the instrument and starts playin’ like Don Ho. Bartender is stunned as the sailor asks for yet another drink. Not wanting to be took advantage of the bartender goes into the back room and finds a set of bagpipes. He returns sure he won’t lose any more money to the old fart sayin’ “let’s see him play this!” No sooner the sailor hands the instrument to the sea creature, it falls off the barstool writhing on the floor. Bartender with a smirk is satisfied that he won’t be handin’ out another drink sez to the sailor, “ha!” Old salt looks back at him and sez, “Don’t worry, once he figures out he can’t f*k it, he’ll play it.”

Vlad the Inhaler

Active member
Horse walks into a bar and orders a pint
Bartender pours the pint and asks for $14
The horse hands over $20 and as the bartender gives him the change he says "we don't see many horses in here
Horse reolies "yeah, no shit, not at $14 a pint


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Two cowboys ride in from the dusty trail after a long cattle drive. They dismount in front of the saloon, hitchin’ their horses to the rail. One of the cowboys proceeds to go behind his horse, lifts its tail and kisses its arse. The other sez, “Damn, why’d you do that?” Cowboy replies, “Chapped lips”. The other asks, “Does it cure chapped lips?” Cowboy replies, “I don’t know, but it keeps you from lickin’ ‘em.”