Do I need her?

We've been attached at the hip for decades since I was in high school. In college we became inseparable. Since then we've traveled through life together at every function and occasion and I can't help but sit here in this moment and ask myself if it's all been a ruse to numb myself out and just glide through life without really feeling.

Cannabis, weed, herb, you know what I'm talking about. That fuego that always seems to make the day go by chill, no big thing it's all good you feel me. Well, recently life hasn't felt all good and I'm confronted with the fact that I find myself smoking more to ease the pain instead of lean into it and truly have some self discovery.

Does anyone else ever feel like cannabis is both a blessing and a curse?

It helps me be chill and not let little things bug me or upset me, it helps me get through days that might otherwise be difficult or tough, but the more I'm sitting here thinking about it the more I realize that it's become a knee jerk reaction for me to grab the bubbler or roll a spliff whenever something is making me feel a certain type of way instead of processing those emotions in a healthy way.

I never felt like this before but can't stop thinking about how much smoking weed runs my life. It's not a slight on cannabis, I'm fully aware of it's utility but I'm also unable to deny the ways I find myself abusing it to keep myself from sharing my feelings or emotions.

Does anyone else struggle with these types of thoughts?

For the most part, I'm happy with my personality and the way I treat others. When I'm blazed up I'm kind, considerate, forgiving, and all the sort of things you would typically associate with a chill "stoner". Part of me is worried that if I stop smoking I'll turn into a total asshole or turn into someone I don't enjoy being around and that's not an easy thing to admit.

I've never known myself as an adult without being under the influence of cannabis or without cannabis being in my system. I'm afraid I don't even know myself and I never have.

Admittedly, I'm in the midst of some personal and relationship problems. Working on ways to find happieness and truthfully I'm kind of worried I won't be able to find it without cannabis. On the flip side of the coin, I'm worried that I will find a happiness and won't feel like I need the friend that I've known for all these years anymore.

If anyone has gone through something similar or has words of advise or encouragement they're greatly appreciated.

Cannabis has been a significant part of my life for the entirety of my adult life and it's fucking terrifying to think I should seek out experiences that aren't attached at the hip with one of my favorite plants.

Feeling alone and scared, super emotional. The fuck is up with 2020 this year has been a trip so far.